i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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