This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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