Apparently you make a good broom.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
