When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
