he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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