that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
