according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
