Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
