OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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