Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
