I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
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I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
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You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
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