I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
