I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
