Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
