dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
and she was petting her beer can
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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