i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
