3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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