she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
