It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
