just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
