just sent my roommate on a cheese run
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me