Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
