I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
