Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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