I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
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i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
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You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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