Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
NoShamevember. You game?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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