I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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