On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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