So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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