We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
