I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
