soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Randomize
