I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
