Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
