can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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