Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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