My Higher Power is John Stamos
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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