you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize
