Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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