I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
