my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
