Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
