my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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