I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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