I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
