Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.