sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I wear drunk well.
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