there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
His nipple licking is glorious
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