You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
