Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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