There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My room smells like vodka and shame
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
