So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
