Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
